Out of Control

While here in Uganda, Derek and I aren’t in control of what we eat, where we sleep, and have to request a driver if we want to go somewhere. To lack control when we desperately want to see movement in our circumstances sometimes makes us want to poke our eyes out with dull forks, but since blindness isn’t on my short list of things to do we are left with trusting Jesus. We were never promised to have control over our lives and we think we are some big shot on the playground when we think we have it. With little control of my situation and becoming a new mom I am quickly identifying middle school anxieties rearing their ugly head. For the first time in 15 years I care what people might think of my children and I. Disregard that our family boasts a variety of skin tones, I don’t mind that. I’m talking about how your child screams and scratches at his face in the grocery store for close to an hour because the other blessed child has more of your attention. Gawkers look at you like you’re Hitler, that’s the crap I’m talking about. I’m clearly out of control. 

Most of my girlfriends have kids and they talk about mommy guilt, mommy shame, and other mommy feelings. I used to look at them with a smile and nod my head as they rehashed their stories, secretly praying God would give me robots dressed as children so I would never be able to identify with them. That prayer wasn’t answered and my kids are just as sinful and crazed for evil as planned. My husband who has always said he wanted five kids is now talking about how he is fine with just a few of his own and happy to have spiritual sons and daughters in the faith.

My only antidote to this new found season is prayer. Jesus never asked me to be perfect but to take everything to him in prayer. My prayers have been so messy, desperate, and raw that I think He likes it more than usual.  I am reading through the scriptures and meditating on my findings with fervor similar to that I had when I was thirteen and first discovered just how glorious and supreme Jesus was. With every passing prayer I exercise my new mommy muscles through the scope of scripture and understand that I am to be like the Redeemer, Grace Giver, Comforter, and Forgiver of Sins.

I’m learning to accept that my children will lack reason and logic, be defiant because it feels right, beat the crap of out each other simply because they are boys (this has already started), and embarrass me. I won’t be perfect in shepherding their sweet minds and souls. My ideal expectations will be replaced with reality. Bring it. I’m ready. I’m ready for a crazy, hilarious, head-shaking, jaw dropping, out of control season.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 NKJV

Disclaimer: I fully expected it to be crazy but like so many say, no book or pep talk can prepare you for how bananas motherhood can be.

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19 thoughts on “Out of Control

  1. This is a hard one for sure….the homeless that I work with have similar feelings…we give them HOPE
    bless you all

  2. Tiffany thanks for this blog. My son and daughter-in-law just had the birth mother decide not to give up her child to them. The disappointment and feelings were and are so raw. I sent her this very same scripture a week ago to lean on. Thank you. God bless you and you have my prayers as you go through this journey. You have many moms of all different ages to help you through the difficult times.

  3. Thank you for your honesty, Tiffany. You are not alone…. perfect Benita has had all of your above feelings… so do not feel guilty or ashamed. My thoughts like yours are “This is how our Heavenly Father has to deal with us until we become mature enough to understand His ways, discipline and love!!” And We AS MOMS get to portray GRACE AND MERCY just like God gives us over and over again. It all makes you understand HIs unconditional love in a new way, Huh? Love and prayers going up for you daily. You both are missed around here!!

  4. You and Derek will be awesome parents. It will take some time getting in the groove but you’ll find it. Thankfully we have our Heavenly Father as our parenting role model that we can ask for wisdom each and every day because we certainly need it in raising children. As far as not having control of situations, it certainly is a process learning to trust God fully in these areas. We are so used to being in control ourselves and not realizing that we are not allowing God to be in control. He does all things well and in His time. Love ya and my prayers and thoughts are with you! God bless you all.

  5. Tiffany from a Mama that has been called Mama by many kids you are going to be great. Your love and compassion for others and having your wonderful husband Derek for support. I have watched both of you in sibling situations you both have been doing the job of protector and accepter through behaviors and situations…that and Jesus will get you through…all will be ok when you come home all will be different you will be in control…We here at the Becker household are praying for this all to be resolved quickly and that you and yours will return home soon…Jesus is there with you.

  6. Oh dear friend, you have just discovered one of the deep truths about parenting – we are constantly humbled and have to continually give our kids back to God daily! Love you and the journey you are on! Praying all the time!

  7. you crack me up! Its always a lot more than it seems but something you can never tell somebody until they experience it on their own. Just the extension of “your responsible for them” is big! I hope you enjoy the rest of your time and at least enjoy some good food along the way. Wishing you a safe return!

  8. Dear Friends, i enjoy your words so much. I had no idea in the 1960’s how to be a Mom. I wanted to do it sooo well and was a failure on my own. I prayed and worshipped and gave up trying to be perfect. We laughed and kissed and disciplined and cried for wisdom. Bless you dear ones, I can just “feel” it as I read your blog. God will be faithful to your boys.

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